Marriage: A Journey Through Changing Seasons

Marriage is not a single moment of happiness but a journey that unfolds in stages. Each phase brings its own joys, challenges, and invitations to grow in love. Understanding these stages helps couples respond with maturity, patience, and commitment.

The Illusion of Perfect Love (Before Marriage)

Whether a relationship begins through romance or an arranged alliance, the first year of love is usually marked by an intense outpouring of affection. Love is expressed passionately through words, WhatsApp messages, endless phone calls, greeting cards, and gifts, and, with parental approval, movies and dinners as well.

At this stage, couples would save themselves much pain and stress if they understood what is happening biologically. A high level of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, tends to hide each other’s negative traits while highlighting the positives and familiarities. When couples gaze into each other’s eyes, their separate male and female minds seem to merge into one.

However, this stage is short-lived. As time passes, phone calls, messages, greeting cards, movies, dinners, and gifts naturally decrease, giving way to a new biological and psychological phase of the relationship. Love, in reality, is triggered by the mind, not merely by the heart.

The Honeymoon High (Early Married Life)

For many couples, the honeymoon period is the most cherished phase of married life. Living under the same roof and holding one’s beloved close feels like a dream come true. Physical intimacy plays a vital role in strengthening marital happiness, as genuine love naturally seeks total self-giving.

Sadly, some enter marriage focusing only on this phase. Others misuse intimacy to satisfy lust or to exert control, which can lead to deep wounds and even marital abuse. As the years go by, sustaining both physical and emotional closeness requires effort. When interest wanes, some begin to imagine that “the grass is greener on the other side.” While sexual intimacy is important, it is not everything in marriage.

When Reality Sets In (Post-Honeymoon Adjustment)

Me: “Why did you not marry?”
Single: “I don’t want my wife chasing me everywhere, now, with mobiles, it’s even worse.”

This reflects a common marital experience. Spouses often feel a strong urge to know every detail of each other’s daily lives, where they go, what they do, and whom they meet. When challenges arise, doubts increase, leading to frequent calls and constant checking.

What once felt exciting before marriage, midnight calls and messages, can begin to feel burdensome. Brain chemistry changes, and the thinking brain (the cerebral cortex) starts noticing flaws in one’s spouse. Anger, irritation, and even fear may surface. The wife may feel rejected when the husband withdraws emotionally, while the husband may feel constantly criticized. Soon, couples lament, “S/he is not the same person I married.”

This phase is normal. Couples need help aligning two very different brain systems to grow together for life. At this stage, recalling the Nuptial Oath becomes essential: “In good times and in bad, I will always love you.”

Digital Temptations and Emotional Distance (After One or Two Years)

The internet and mobile phones provide new and discreet platforms for emotional and relational engagement. Outside the bedroom, modern-day infidelity often plays out on social media. According to service providers, more than half of such messages are sent early in the morning or late at night.

Mobile phones offer the fastest route to infidelity. Social media can foster deep emotional bonds with third parties, which the Church considers a form of adultery because it erodes marital intimacy. The Church also warns against neglecting the marital bond: excessive time online often replaces the communication and sharing essential to a healthy marriage.

From Romance to Rhythm (After a Decade or Two)

For a marriage to remain happy, mutual respect for each other’s individuality and uniqueness is crucial. A marriage cannot thrive if one partner does not allow the other to be his or her true self. Understanding and appreciating the complementary strengths of male and female dynamics is essential for a fulfilling relationship.

Once this understanding is achieved, couples must consciously develop bonding rituals, such as:

• Family dinners

• Family movies

• Family outings

• Family shopping

• Date nights

• Phone calls, messages, or emails while travelling

• Simple daily acts like ironing clothes or waking each other in the morning

I know a couple who credit their successful marriage to a simple ritual. They agreed that if they ever went to bed angry after a fight, the one who woke up first the next morning would put toothpaste on the other’s toothbrush. This small act always reopened communication, and healed the relationship once again.