The Art of Saying “No”

A young seminarian once went to the Rector with a request. He spoke politely, explained his need, and waited in hope. The Rector listened carefully and then, with calm firmness, said, “No, I cannot grant you this permission.”

The seminarian left quietly.

A week later, he returned with the same request. Once again, the Rector listened and declined, maintaining his gentle but firm tone.

Several days passed, and once more, the seminarian appeared before the Rector, repeating his plea. This time, the Rector, though growing weary, still addressed him with measured patience. "Why do you keep coming back with the same request? You are well aware that I have already considered your words and rejected them twice. Why trouble me again?"

The seminarian bowed his head respectfully and answered, “Father Rector, I knew you would refuse. But I wanted to come once more, not for the permission, but for the way you say ‘no.’ Your refusal never crushes, never humiliates, never wounds. Instead, it teaches me how to deny others with kindness. Each time I hear your ‘no,’ I learn how to speak truth without losing charity.”

The Rector was silent for a moment, taken aback. A faint smile crossed his face. The seminarian had not received what he asked for, but he had received something far greater: a lesson in gentleness, firmness, and charity.

The Art of Saying “No”

In our journey through life, we often must say no. Whether as parents, teachers, leaders, or friends, refusal is sometimes unavoidable. The real challenge lies not in saying no, but in doing so without causing unnecessary hurt. A refusal can either strengthen a person or wound them deeply, depending on how it is expressed.

Why “No” Hurts

When people hear no, they rarely hear just the refusal; often, they hear rejection. A harsh or careless response can leave scars we do not realise. Children may feel unloved, students may be discouraged, and colleagues may be undervalued. The refusal can sound like a denial of the person rather than the request.

Even in the Gospels, Jesus Himself did not always say yes. He refused James and John when they asked to sit at His right and left in glory (Mark 10:37-40). He told the healed demoniac of Gerasene that when the man begged to follow Him, instead of sending him home to proclaim the Good News, He Should Go and Tell Others (Mark 5:18-19). At Cana, when Mary interceded, His first words were, “My hour has not yet come” (John 2:4). Yet in every case, His no was spoken with love, respect, and purpose.

Learning the Gentle “No”

St. Benedict, in his Rule, urged abbots to correct with both firmness and compassion, so that “the strong may have something to strive after and the weak may not be discouraged.” Saying no with gentleness requires this same spirit. A Christ-like refusal affirms the dignity of the other person, even when their request cannot be granted.

The Rector’s example offers five simple lessons: 

1. Listen first. People accept a refusal more readily when they feel heard.

2. Acknowledge their feelings. A simple, "I understand why you are asking," goes a long way.

3. Be clear and respectful. Avoid vague excuses or harsh bluntness. 

4. Offer options if possible. For example: “Not now, but maybe later.” This softens disappointment. 

5. Use a warm tone and presence. Gentle eyes and a kind voice often speaks louder than the words themselves. 

Saying “No” as a Gift

As the seminarian discovered, a gracious refusal can itself become a lesson in leadership and love. We are remembered not only for the times we said yes generously, but also for the times we declined gracefully. Let your refusals never be empty but always carry the warmth of love and the grace of God.

(Fr. Nilesh Parmar, SJ is an Indian Jesuit who has served tribal communities in North East for over 30 years. He is also a lyricist and composer with more than 100 published songs in English and Indian languages.)